Hey Shiku, I know it makes you happy being called by that name, so let me flatter you around, Shiku, especially how my dad says it, or those random moments when someone calls me that, oh, too much, hey babe!
I see you, a young naive babe, tiny, innocent but lowkey gangsta, tall girl, sometimes googly eyes and shy. You are a happy child, but with so much crisis, you definitely identify as yourself, but you don’t fathom your identity because you even don’t know who you are. A year later after high school, you are just being ushered to the world, you want to kickstart on pombe sigara theme,but that’s really not your thing.
You have strict parents,they are even stricter because you finished school with a list of two suspensions,oh crap,how dare you cause embarassment to your parents like that. So right now you just crave freedom,you are introvereted and the first born to quite a stable christian home,so they are looking out to you incase you trip. Little have you known that this is just a genesis if not a revelation of your childhood trauma,besides,you are just 18!
The relationship with your folks seems to get T for Tough by the day,but you are built for the tough life,you are so used to being resillient that you conquer whatever comes your way.Aah,tell you say you are already hustling,cut for that cloth you think? You already know the streets,you are just figuring how to do life. Fast forward,in between you meet a young man,oh love of my life,sure as hell you want to settle with him bad ,you want to give him babies,you want to sing kumbaya to the rythm of his strokes,you want to be his mother,wife,sister,daughter and friend. You are ingrained to think that is what it takes to be a wife material.Heh,si you are auditioning! You are now sure that if your relationship with your folks bounces,you have Mr.manz that will protect you.
So you have no otherwise than to be the golden Proverbs 31 woman,hehe,you have outshone yourself,you have even become the deputy parent that goes to pick his siblings report cards. You want to be seen so bad,but whatever they say about in laws,as long as you are being their son’s peace,they can extend your stay until they find one that gives extra peace,muhahaha(little shade and banter). You are going to cry a river if you want to put this is a book,this is just a synopsis,sobs*
But babe,was anything wrong with you? No. Would I beat you? Yes,vita moja ya kimataifa,easy! That is what you knew was best back then,I forgive you,and I extend so much grace to you,that’s the least you knew. You were full of codependency,yes,you wouldn’t function on your own because you wanted so much validation from the outside,no identity,just people pleasing which in retrospect made you so resentful. Remember the times you showed up for people who would never do the same to you? Eh,stomaching every blow and feast thrown your way because you believe in Jesus and that he died for your sins? Should have told you to stay Taliban and very dangerous,but deep down I know you are the softest human,and no,people didn’t necessarily take advantage of you,it was you who lacked boundaries.
Regardless,I see you,I root for you,I should have hugged you through every stage.I’m sorry you tried so hard to confide in spaces that didn’t serve you,much apologies because no one sat you through these lessons,if you had known that takers don’t have limits,then you should have stopped giving,but what is life without lessons anyway?
This letter to myself is so Important because my sister is at this point too;young,naive,sassy,gullible,easily swayed.Only difference is,she seems more aware than me and she doesn’t give a hoot about situations that drain her.These generation Z are the ghettaux! You all don’t have to read by our scripts,but I attest most of our younger selves looked like this. You should have been drinking gilbeys instead of trying to be a wife at 18,Shiko ata wewe surely! What are those letters to your younger self? Yes you!