Hey you,18 year old!

Hey Shiku, I know it makes you happy being called by that name, so let me flatter you around, Shiku, especially how my dad says it, or those random moments when someone calls me that, oh, too much, hey babe!

I see you, a young naive babe, tiny, innocent but lowkey gangsta, tall girl, sometimes googly eyes and shy. You are a happy child, but with so much crisis, you definitely identify as yourself, but you don’t fathom your identity because you even don’t know who you are. A year later after high school, you are just being ushered to the world, you want to kickstart on pombe sigara theme,but that’s really not your thing.

You have strict parents,they are even stricter because you finished school with a list of two suspensions,oh crap,how dare you cause embarassment to your parents like that. So right now you just crave freedom,you are introvereted and the first born to quite a stable christian home,so they are looking out to you incase you trip. Little have you known that this is just a genesis if not a revelation of your childhood trauma,besides,you are just 18!

The relationship with your folks seems to get T for Tough by the day,but you are built for the tough life,you are so used to being resillient that you conquer whatever comes your way.Aah,tell you say you are already hustling,cut for that cloth you think? You already know the streets,you are just figuring how to do life. Fast forward,in between you meet a young man,oh love of my life,sure as hell you want to settle with him bad ,you want to give him babies,you want to sing kumbaya to the rythm of his strokes,you want to be his mother,wife,sister,daughter and friend. You are ingrained to think that is what it takes to be a wife material.Heh,si you are auditioning! You are now sure that if your relationship with your folks bounces,you have Mr.manz that will protect you.

So you have no otherwise than to be the golden Proverbs 31 woman,hehe,you have outshone yourself,you have even become the deputy parent that goes to pick his siblings report cards. You want to be seen so bad,but whatever they say about in laws,as long as you are being their son’s peace,they can extend your stay until they find one that gives extra peace,muhahaha(little shade and banter). You are going to cry a river if you want to put this is a book,this is just a synopsis,sobs*

But babe,was anything wrong with you? No. Would I beat you? Yes,vita moja ya kimataifa,easy! That is what you knew was best back then,I forgive you,and I extend so much grace to you,that’s the least you knew. You were full of codependency,yes,you wouldn’t function on your own because you wanted so much validation from the outside,no identity,just people pleasing which in retrospect made you so resentful. Remember the times you showed up for people who would never do the same to you? Eh,stomaching every blow and feast thrown your way because you believe in Jesus and that he died for your sins? Should have told you to stay Taliban and very dangerous,but deep down I know you are the softest human,and no,people didn’t necessarily take advantage of you,it was you who lacked boundaries.

Regardless,I see you,I root for you,I should have hugged you through every stage.I’m sorry you tried so hard to confide in spaces that didn’t serve you,much apologies because no one sat you through these lessons,if you had known that takers don’t have limits,then you should have stopped giving,but what is life without lessons anyway?

This letter to myself is so Important because my sister is at this point too;young,naive,sassy,gullible,easily swayed.Only difference is,she seems more aware than me and she doesn’t give a hoot about situations that drain her.These generation Z are the ghettaux! You all don’t have to read by our scripts,but I attest most of our younger selves looked like this. You should have been drinking gilbeys instead of trying to be a wife at 18,Shiko ata wewe surely! What are those letters to your younger self? Yes you!

A love letter, to myself!

Oh God! Oh Love! Is my exact exclamation at this moment. I haven’t been in this space like forever, so I’ll just free my thoughts and let them flow, oh, even my juices, cause I got them.

I was just seated with all feels of gratitude and I thought, why not? I have neither journaled in a while which appropriately feels like self harm, but I forgive myself, the little joys of carrying through the day(s) is what matters now, and exactly the current state I am in, is what makes me happier. So a blog it is.

Soon turning 24,yeah to the effing tweny flaw-less. Haha, tried to be punny, so 24 bucks,24 reasons and 24 everything, say 24 orgasms maybe? I know you’d like to see where I’m going with this, but so much orgasms wouldn’t hurt, I mean 24/7? Lol.

Onto this gorgeous human, I thought a love letter from me to me would be a great beginning to the countdown. Most of you have been wondering why I’m excited about August, and it’s because everyday of August is my birth day. I presume my mom was equally excited and anxious during the whole month, wondering when I’d rip her apart, oh yeah, ready to be ushered. So same expectations over here, if you see me, know every day is my birthday, but the main one, like the actual one is on 16th. So that’s WAP, like (Wrapping A Present) which is me. Here’s to getting emotional writing the best things about me, I know you know I’m a vibe, but there’s more to that.

So I thought of the best things about me, and I affirmed, that’s the dopamine effect I want to remain on, and high while at it, see;

I’m beautiful.

Aah, in sheng( local,common language),I’m peng. I don’t know about you, but you ever seen someone that would make everything good for themselves? That person is me. I’m a dollar billion bucks of gorgeous, in all forms. Don’t ask about the most beautiful parts of me, because they are a collection. Oh,I recently confirmed that I have pretty toes, I don’t have to show them to you, but believe what you want. Haha!

I’m hands on with effort.

Oh when SIA said that, she meant exactly that. Aah, so when I decide to go get it, Imma “gogeit”,especially this current baby girl version that I’m on. Anyway, I work appropriately, I’m full of determination, I believe there’s no detrimental that’d stop me from being hardworking. I move with zeal! Hooray.. Call me zealous!

I’m hilarious sarcastic.

Ah, all inside and outside jokes. I enjoy this about me because it has made people think I’m a weirdo. I laugh at my own silly jokes, even at the thought of imagining them. Muhaha, as weird as it gets, makes me a ball of energy, so I fuck with myself big big!

I’m easy to get along with.

Oh, I don’t mean like easy access to me, I have walls which we call boundaries over here. But you never have to doubt my kindness, we gotta spread it like confetti because it’s the ultimate need of humans. I hope you were a little kinder to someone today, especially to yourself!

I’m loving and caring.

Where have you been to deserve all my love and care? I think you should do better. I can love with all my kidneys and liver, lol. The heart only needs to do it’s work, pump more oxygenated blood!

I’m a super mom.

I don’t mean to be braggadocio, but why not? I think I got the assignment best. A sane and happy mom is what makes me better, more so a conscious one, oh I love the little heaven on earth that my baby makes me experience every day of my life. Even when she juggles it with a touch of hell sometimes!

I’ve been on a exciting healing journey.

This, I don’t underestimate. Yes, I’ve been through self character development. It was mostly excruciating and tough, but worth it every day. I can deal with my outbursts better, little tantrums, triggers here and there and much aware of my traumas. Oh, doesn’t make me a super human, but I’m a super human for sitting still with myself, discovering myself throughout it all and immensely pouring unconditional love to myself. If I said it makes me happy, It’d be an understatement, because it makes me more than that. So, as I keep nurturing myself, just as I’d care for everything fragile, because I’m exactly that.

Still wondering where I’m going with this? Sobs. Loving me has been the easiest yet most difficult thing to do. To my younger self especially, It was hard, aah, the little inner child had so much life balancing chances, spaces and moments that my now self wouldn’t think I’d survive. So even easier for my older self whose yet to come, because everyday is a preparation to meet her. In as much as I can’t wait to meet her, I’m living in the moment, giving my now self exactly what she wants and specifically what she deserves.

As the good days of the Lord happen, I’m reminded that I’m worthy everyday, that I deserve the softest and best things life has to offer, that suffering is not anywhere near my portion, that I kick ass and stay as my most authentic awesome self.

Therefore, the best thing to do is to offer myself exactly that, nothing less, and in the vows of for better for better, there’s no otherwise. As you stay true to your course, always remember that the love I have for you is beyond any that you’d think you’d get from elsewhere. Aaaaw,… Oh, imma add orgasms to that (slack!)

Love!

You!

Me!

How about you give yourself some self loving moment/letter dear avid reader? Yes, YOU!

Devil’s piss!

Devils piss!Aah, I was invited to this one party, so I had to carry my manners in my purse, family party, oops, I almost forget. To mean, my mom and dad, (aaw, cute couple were there, giggling *).They can’t know they sired a drunkard, hell to the NO, and what’s a party without getting a little tipsy? Awkward, right? Our house was those of Joshua’s affirmation, my house and I shall serve you, for the rest of our lives. Mine was to serve manners.


Happy birthday to you and cake is cut, that was it for my aunt, full house is full of adults and now let the party begin, sherehe haitaki hasira. Yoh, we are grown ups, and grown ups don’t have to stay sober, life is full of ups and downs, so you want to get drunk and lay down.
My age mates (read cousins) were in one of the rooms locked, and complaining why parents had to join kid’s party. We are all adults but with age limits, just like a bouncer allows the older the greyer in the club and leaves the skinny one’s outside. My boyfriend and I were once told we go get a bouncing castle for the night because they don’t sell tea at club 64,heh, we 69’d the whole night, can’t have double embarrassment. Anyway, you get the gist?


As my cousins are in the other room, I’m in the kitchen busy doing nothing and sneaking down shots of vodka down my throat. My mom comes to the kitchen several times too to serve herself some wine, aah, waiter leta glass. Few shots and I’m feeling hivi hivi. I remember I’ve never taken white wine and I request mom to pour some for me. Moms are heavenly when it comes to character development, only that she doesn’t know the clear liquid in my other glass is actually vodka and not wine.
Heh, things are becoming and more wine it is, this time red wine. My limits are saying stop but it was end year party and that year had fucked us all, so we had to say fuck you in return. Aah, si my parents are around? Mimi ni baby girl, but my dad doesn’t have to know, neither anyone, because I don’t get knocked out with small small alcohol, ooliskia wapi.


I’m sure I’m beginning not to feel like myself anymore and I remember I have a dick appointment somewhere, so I have to be boosted and energetic for the match, even the field was cleared earlier by Gillette, player must not get muddy.
Time is not by my side now and chelewa chelewa utapata mwana si wako, ey, what if I was going to catch a pregnancy? I steal one of the guaranas in the fridge, this will be one for the road, I’ll go drinking it until the end of the road, much energy.
I’m convinced I’m not that high anyway, and I have one of my cousin’s with me, taking a mat home will be easier, no cab money whatsoever. Oops, I forgot to mention that my aunt caught me with the stolen Guarana and that’s why we left to avoid embarrassment. My cousin is equally a culprit but she’s not caught, must be god’s favorite.


I don’t remember how we fared thee well upto home, it was such a journey with mercies. Someone sincerely slapped me in the mat, moja ya kimataifa because I was dozing off on their shoulder, I’d equally do the same, but si ni December my friend, be your friend’s keeper. The next distance we climb a motorbike and I filthy throw up on him, forgive my manners, but heri Uber sasa. It is in that moment that lala salama is not a show.
These were my lessons from vodka!

No appointments for genitals!

You sleep in your head and assume you are in heaven!

You are awakened by slaps in case you die in your imaginary heaven.

Everything becomes a fantasy!

Don’t sneak alcohol behind your parents back, sit down with them and share tots asking them how they bought you.


Let’s try gin, jinsi ilivyo!

Watoto na pombe

Utamu wa pombe ni kuchoma! Heh, the type your head spins like in that spin the bottle game you play, or imagining your self dead, kuzima kama mshumaa and eating chicken with your eyes closed.

Thank restoration, this down memory lives on sababu kuchoma nayo I did. My bestie had just been proposed to by the man she’d call zdaddy for the rest of her life, awww poor thing, I was so excited for her and given that I was still living with my folks, it was my chance to prove my loyalty to her. BTW if I’m down for you, I will lie beyond jubilee government, if I have gone down on you, you might know too.

Haya, me I don’t  remember that days lies but they were convincing enough, I was the event’s planner so no way I’d miss this one, I had never experienced a close vicinity of proposal apart from my parents wedding which I cried and cried like a fool, me thinks it’s that part of imagining waking up to someone that farts on your  space for the rest of your life that hurts me. I’ve never been awwed by weddings or walking down the aisle, I’m either weird or I’m just used to being kamati, I’m not a big fan of weddings, but the idea of people loving people strikes me, aargh! Pendaneni wasee.

My girl accepted the proposal but she didn’t cry, they lied to us in Telemundo or the flow was not ready and in 3,2,1 let the party begin. If tuko sherehe haitaki hasira was a person then it was me, I represented mbogi, full time, the thing about having restricted freedom is ;once you get it you maximize it to the brim, here you shamelessly say YOLO with the middle finger up. Shots, shots, uuui, you feel good.

As if it was not enough, mbogi makes reservations in a club, you sing don’t go I’m kujaing all the way because you are even going to get more lit than pasiii, if any of my mom’s friends saw me in a club, they’d also be answerable to me for whatever they were doing there and why. BTW nishai patana na praise and worship leader wa church kwa club, I’m sure she had gone to tune in her vocals with the assistance of alcohol and that 3p.m “we are the chosen generation chune in the background and back to back gospel songs that make sinners sing at the top of their voices.

At the club we are, with a bottle of whiskey in our stomachs and we had audacity to Pewa lewa za juu. Eeh, si you know how disco lights mix you kwanza those with tear gas? A girl toto was welcomed to city life, mji wa anasa Rongai, aargh that promised land has raha, that’s the hill I’d want to die on few years back.

I drank, I got lit, I forgot I was in the company of my boyfriend who blekid like a light weight and I took over like the partner I am. Dj played my favorite song and voila, time to climb the table and strip a little, remember that camp song “steam zikipanda nguo natoa ”? It was me, me daughter of an apostle and deacon, shamelessly. Big man bazuu bouncer comes to tell me to get out of his club and I threaten him how I’ll beat him like a burukenge in black and blue. I guess that was the climax of the day because I was carried and chased out like a dog, Rex the dog and I slept fofofo going on.

I guess there were no ambulances in that club or the Kansoul lied to my soul. I’d want a rematch of the experience now that I’ve added a few pounds and the bouncer won’t carry me around like a new born. I’m not that fragile! What’s your Christmas wish?

The Birthday that it was

No apparent big plans that happened,spent the better part of the day drunk and sleeping. I had major plans but I was too broke for the event. It also happened too soon than I had figured it. Days that definitely pass so quick,that’s how old I feel already,muhaha,I’m too young for the title,so 23 it is. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I have been waiting for this day with so much zeal because it’s a mark of great things destined for me,everything good that I can grab and everything good that I deserve.

Among the few things I did for my birthday was going for a photoshoot that marks the great steps i’ve been able to achieve this far. To capture the moments for me means,having to remember the good and bad times that my mind can’t grasp and the furthest I can always go. So here’s a quick snippet of my awesome self that I enjoyed doing,it was all fun:

CAREER

My first and most exciting bit. This came in too handy,made some manifestations and they came aligning right in front of my door. True to the words,the universe keeps aligning with your manifestations,try it today. I hope it will be kind as well. I’ve been a stay at home ever since my daughter was born. It has been hard especially with the financial aspect,being dependent on someone else has not been easy,it came along with financial abuse that discouraged me alot. I was also in a fix because i wanted to take care of my daughter for some time until I was confident to leave her under the care of someone else,it was also hard to find the jobs I felt I deserved.I didn’t want to go back to toxic work environments again because it’d break me beyond my initial state,and I wanted to go back to practise my career while sure of what I needed to do.

Trying to look for jobs has been such an uphill task especially amidst a global pandemic. The economy has been shaken,companies closed,employees laid off and everything that was going well sabre-rattled. I hated it here especially because I was in dire need of personal finances and nothing was adding up.Discouraged one time when I tried doing some article writing for someone and he didn’t pay,I hated it there. Especially wanting to grow as a writer,i’ve found myself doing it for fun(creative writing here on my blog and on my facebook page). I was happier also for reaching a wider audience,most people have been relating with my content and that’s a bonus on my end.Even without pay,i’m content that i’m doing the right thing that sets my soul on fire. Looking forward to being a big writer/author,publish books while following this path.

The good news is;just on my birthday week I finally got me an Online job as a FreeLancer that is promising,I want to fully commit to it as I work on other projects and pick the financial freedom i’ve always desired. Look into enterprenuership and finally be able to do my bills with comfort. So yeah,this is such a huge win for me. Ushering a new year in style.

MOTHERHOOD

This role has been intriguing to me,having a responsibility over someone else for the rest of my life is not something i had figured. I normally say,if i’d go back in time,i’d practise safe sex or just choose not to have kids(well,this one is my first and last) and has shaped me for the best. If i’d choose a different path,it would definitely be close to this with Taji as my daughter. She has been such an eye opener,I’ve been in sync with parts of me that I was afraid of. I’ve done the best of self introspection ,looked into my voids and traumas. Basically,she has shaped me for the best course of my life. I am more aware of myself now than I was before,having to reparent myself as I parent another has come with greater sacrifices,choosing to learn,unlearn and relearn in order to be a better human.

I’m more awakened now and I like it here. Choosing to create a new reality for me and my daughter,choosing to create new traditions and norms. Everyday i’m reminded that i’m a deserving mom even when I don’t feel like acting the role. Being my second birthday with her around makes me realize that I strive to be a better human everyday. I don’t want to impact her negatively such that she’ll have to heal from childhood trauma like I have been doing in my adult life. As I compare whom I really was in the past year,i’ve realized how much change is inevitable and if you don’t embrace it,you will remain bitter in a fast evolving world. Motherhood is definitely a gift to me,makes me be better,makes me do better!

FEMININITY

This is for my feminism and femininity. I’m more aware of myself right now than I was before. I embrace my body,i’m more in love with it,I give it more nurturing,pleasure and satisfaction because it deserves it all. Isn’t it interesting how we yield the fruits from how we treat ourselves? Our bodies? Are you kind to yourself enough?Any time I feel like shit or under performing,it is my body that carries all the faults,so why not be a little kinder to it everyday? Why not appreciate it? Take the deserving rest when it asks for it and basically obeying it.

My femininity is more special because I know what I need now. I know how I should dress my body,met sexual liberation and self forgiving when I go to the extremes. I can speak out how I want my sex delivered,unapologetically,not be afraid of flaws and speak out when I’m not satisfied. Things like looking at myself in the mirror and affirming how beautiful I am has kept me going. I’m no longer ashamed of my body,I can take A1 nudes and not be afraid of what people will think or shame me for my gorgeous self. As I also prioritize self pleasure,loool,get more orgasms,love whoever I want unapologetically because i’m a rebelious sass that won’t let the society dictate what I should and should not be as a woman. Only I got the power to do so.

FREE SPIRIT

It is my way or the highway,I have done lots of self work to get here. So what makes anyone think they can be in control of me? Growing up codepent on others really messed with my self esteem,I was always giving others too much power and control over me.My parents,friends,partners which did not sit well with me. I’ve learned to form boundaries myself,to choose myself always unapologetically. Every little effort that i’ve put to get here is not about to go back the drain and be influenced with anyone else. I got myself and definitely happy that I got the awakening.

My biggest flex has been not to settle for anything that doesn’t blaze my soul,not to compromise anything because it’s better that way.

MUSTARD

This is just a symbol of all the things I love .The mustard color being my favorite represents all the glits,glam and sunshine I should have in my life. It looks like happiness,peace of mind,self awareness,money,orgasms and everything good.

So here’s to the things that make me feel the sunshine: Quality time,Acts of services,food,roadtrips,nature walks and rest.For if I don’t deserve these and much more then I shouldn’t get less of it. Here’s to an awesome beginning of many good things in my life. I call it TWENTY FREE because my life just began. To many more of cheers ,love and light. Happy birthday to self.

My July reflection

Took time to reflect on what life has been like. Especially for the first half of 2020. It was hard for me and it’s the reason the break was so crucial for me. I’ve been off my social Media handles,especially my most used ;Facebook and Instagram.I especially did that because I used to spend most of my time on those sites,not as a scapegoat for what i was going through,but to pass time and relieve the moments.

This has been a recollection of what my first episode of 2020 has been like. I was going through the most;,healing from a break up,relationship reflux,doing my inner work(childhood) ,choosing myself unapologetically,forgiving myself for all the times I didn’t put her first and relentlessly choosing to be selfish with myself. It has been especially hard since I’ve been re-parenting myself while parenting another one,my daughter. With no breaks in between or support,it was really overwhelming. I look at it as a journey that has been worth it amidst the waves and backlash. The thing with choosing yourself,especially if its not something that was taught to you,you feel as if you are doing others the injustice of the year,you keep gambling in your mind if you are doing the right or wrong thing,but at the end of the day you choose yourself ,unapologetically!

July has been a slow-down month for me. To pat myself on the back and clap for her for everything she has overcome. For choosing to put herself first,not letting the opinions of others affect me,healing from a break up while still in the same environment,climbing back to the ladders of life that matter to me;my career,femininity and motherhood. It has been a silent moment for me to think of the most crucial decisions I took for me,including losing friends,relationships,family and even jobs that didn’t align well with me. Basically,it has been knowing my worth and putting into practice.

I’ve gone into this battle alone,sometimes and most times,you have to save yourself and know that only you got your back.I’ve been able to analyze my triggers and account for my childhood traumas,created boundaries that were really essential for my personal growth and relationship/friendship growth,i’ve been able to voice my opinions more often and not be afraid of what people think,grown out of walking on eggshells and self doubt and have had to forgive myself everyday. Created my own little heaven that i call my paradise.

Here are some of the little achievements I’m celebrating this July:

Having to finally rest. This is me asking for help. I got a nanny who is also my Domestic Manager and actually helps me around the house,this is the first time actually in beyond two years that I've rested. Being a stay at home mom has been a crazy ride for me,having to provide for child care and taking care of everything arond the house,this was even harder because I didn't get enough support from my ex-partner. The hard part was that i sunk into several phases of depression and body aches,my body took a turn for the worse after childbirth. So having someone to help me with things around here and the kid is such a big deal for me that I must celebrate.
I'm off contraceptives at the moment. Lol,I'm not trying to conceive if you think I want to usher another human to the world. Ever since I began using contraceptives,they took a toll on me,I've either been so sick or off balance while using them.Therefore I took a pause and I feel better,feel my body slowly coming back and it is a time to really figure if I really need them anyways.
Opportunities have really been presenting themselves.Yikes,after the long wait,effort and patience,I'm happy to affirm that I will soon be getting back on my feet.This includes my growth spurts in career,business and school. All the things I put on a halt to actually care for my daughter,I'm soon getting them back.It actually makes me happythat i'm now surer of what i want to do and I'm going to get it through my chest.
I've been healing for the better part. I was so heartbroken when my previous relationship came to an end. I had invested so much in it that I had no room to invewst in myself. I was so codependent while in the relationship for it felt like my safe haven,little did i know that it was my attachment wounds and childhood traumas that made me stick. Having to do my self introspection with the help of self help articles and therapists/counsellors has made me learn a lot.The relationship however taught me lots of lessons that I can't fathom. It has been such an experience to learn about myself. This actually is my biggest achievement!! It was also not easy healing while still in the same environment that broke me.
I took a break to appreciate everything I've been through,to pick myself up and to start a fresh. New beginnings are both exciting and scary,you get excited for trying new things but afraid that you don't know the uncertainities that await.But the good thing is going shoulders high and heads up,to try new things and make them worth it.
I've had to choose myself,in and out. No compromising. This way,I've been able to keep in touch with my body,soul,my feminine side,my changes,my worth,to dangle aimlessly as I appreciate my journey. It has been worth it.

Looking forward to a better half of 2020,I’m actually buckling up and tieing my safety belt because I belive things will be better for me and for us all,even amidst a global pandemic. I’m also excited for my upcoming birthday in August where I’ll be turning 23. I call it my twenty-free because it has been an year that has actually set me free. I hope y’all keep safe.

Feminism is a savior!

Everything was going well in the relationship, i remember my friends saying how they envied me for finding such a cute romantic relationship. Being a few people couple goals, I imagined how this would always be a happy ending, kept watering my relationship even if it was one sided, kept posting my boyfriend with cute ass captions, flaunting him to the world because he was mine, he loved it there because he was guaranteed that my love for him would always be a top tier,that he was loved for better for worse even without rehearsing the vows,that he’d be forgiven for the worst mistakes apart from cheating. This was my relationship deal breaker,i didn’t realize that it wasn’t worse than emotional abuse.You know the feeling of looking and being made to believe that you are always the crazier one.

You don’t have to wonder therefore why I wear my feminism like a brand, it saved me a lot, I was re-branded,re-born,re-evaluated. My worth was here finally,just like a switch button that was hidden in my head. The truth is;I needed a little knocking and that way:My ways,values,morals aligned,if not to the better,i promise it was for the worst because I no longer cower. So yeah,I see why misogynists and patriachs hate feminists,because they know those women know themselves and they don’t evolve neither revolve around the males gaze. I’m neither suprised when people say feminism is a movement to hate men, i get it,because men hate it that the feminists don’t center their lives around men,and it irks them to see a woman who doesn’t need a man for survival. Now you know why i don’t explain the hogwash of feminists hating on men,if you think we hate them,the answer is YES,i dont know what you expected(muhahaha).

Looking back on my relationship which was actually long term,I attest that it thrived through my oppression. I was mostly unhappy with how i got treated,mostly sexually unsatisfied,always afraid that my boyfriend would leave me one day,always parading and putting his needs before mine,always forgiving,doing the most in the relationship like solving and cleaning the hitches so that we wouldn’t end in the ditches. I thrived in being a pick me because my value and worth revolved around the man’s gaze. Always offering struggle love,shrinking myself so that he could win,not talking/questioning a lot because its uncouth for a woman to keep pestering the man with questions. I would observe a lot of shit and still swallow it whole because i wouldn’t do what i’d do without the relationship. He was my first love,I didn’t know those youth sessions in church that taught women to endure everything was a scum. I believed that i’d only marry the man i’d date and i wouldn’t mess with other men around because it would lower my value. Hahaha,i dont know the value I was maintaining for a man that didn’t even love me but survived on my attachment injuries. He knew pretty well that there’s notthing i’d do without him,and right there he would pounce on me like a lion,do the bare minimum in the relationship and sit around as he awaited me to break my back and chase the glory for the both of us.

Equality and equity taught in the feminism class is what saved me. I remember vividly when i was taking rehearsals to join the feminism bandwagon,i had started potraying signs of a stubborn woman and my boyfriend shamed my choice by saying the feminism wouldn’t take me anywhere and jokes on him, It marked the end of the relationship. Slowly but surely, I began meeting my liberation,I started realizing my worth,I started speaking out a lot for what I believed in and what i really wanted. I began viewing things from a different perspective,I began my journey of re-programming the normalities that were taught to me. I had a difficult time unlearning and adjusting,I was having the most difficult time because i was so vulnerable and my anxiety attacks would keep sky rocketting everytime wondering if I was really doing the correct thing. I say change is as good as a new day,because you set expectations for yourself and wish that you could achieve them and forgive yourself when you can’t meet them.

The most important lesson that I learnt through feminism is that my worth doesn’t revolve around a man’s approval. Most girls are taught to perform for the men in their lives,it starts at home where a girl will be told to serve the brothers and shold act right because she’s a woman and men should be given the first priority always. Girls are taught to have ambitions,to be successful but not so successful, so as not to threaten the men .Girls are taught to cower to men’s authorities. A young girl as early as eight years is groomed and taught ”womanly duties” so that she can be a wife material. I remember how i hated such chores growing up but i was shamed because I wouldn’t amount to a quality wife material. I thought those are basic needs that everyone needed for survival but I’m amused by statements such as,'”If you don’t do this to your man,he will take you back to your parents place because you have failed the test of womanhood”.

Feminism has taught me that i should be treated well,fairly and equally because i’m human and not because i’m a woman.That my opinions matter,that i can be happy with myself without being needy of a man.That i can choose decisions about me,about my body without awaiting for another’s approval.That i’m enough on my own and anything i admire to achieve is within my reach. That my sexuality and sexual preference doesn’t have to be tied around patriachy. That i shouldn’t be afraid to air how much I like sex and how nasty I should enjoy it without being afraid to accept that i’m actually an active sexual being.That I shouldnt be afraid to call out men on their bullshit because they think they are the superior gender.That marriage is not the absolute goal for every woman.That women have a right to choose what they want to do with their bodies,to choose to have or not to have kids,to be freed of having abortions because it’s their right. To be unapologetic about your femininity. To ask for equal pay and treatment in the corporal world. To be bold and beautiful.To take your power back that you had dished out to men in order for them to hold spaces for you.

As Chimamanda Ngozi said,everyone should be a feminist. Equality for both sexes and no oppression for women because they are seen as the wicker gender.Girls taught to be enough in themselves. Girls empowered and upheld for equal roles in the society. Girls to be embraced with their ambitions and success because they definitely rule the world. See why feminism is so personal to me?it saved me from a lot of misfortunes that would happen to me and i’m happy that it’s not just a phase but a path i’m paving for the next generation and especially my daughter.

Dear woman,you are the masterpiece of your life. You are enough on your own. You are amazing in your own body,mind and spirit. Your worth is not tied to a patriachal system that dictates what you should be. Your sense is not tied to aspire to marriages or relationships with men that control what you should be. The day that i learned that no one should tell me the kind of woman I should be is the day I was the happiest woman alive. You should be happy dear woman. You should not be entangled in struggle love. Your vigor shouts even louder because it’s a representation of who you should actually be.

Love Fades!

It definitely isn’t a catalyst for relationships. I’ve heard people say,”Love conquers everything” ,I say no,because it’s the most toxic narrative taught to us to excuse everything wrong because love will surface them all and bring back things to normal.Love is supposed to conquer poverty,infidelity,relationship troubles,abuse,manipulation and every nasty behaviors excused in the name of love.I’ve seen parents say” I did beat you because I love you” ,how painful is love supposed to be therefore? Toxic partners and friends excuse gross behavior in the name of love…”oh,i did this to you because i loved you,if it were not for the love i have for you things would have been different” .This tones down to why struggle love is normalized,for as long as love is there,it will mend and fix all the mediocre things that could unfold.

I was listening to Justin Bieber’s- “As long as you love me” and i realized how love is supposed to carry all the burdens. I felt it when he said,as long as you love me,we can be homeless,we can be broke. Love is supposed to be beautiful,it should not be put on a weighing scale to prove how much it can fathom. How painful should love be to stand the test of time,to stand poverty,for better for worse?

Love definitely fades and its not the saving grace of relationships. Down times in relationships are a common thing. One day,you wake up and you don’t feel the meltdown of emotions that come with love because it’s not a constant thing,hence requires alot of re-assurance,affirmation and efforts. Bad days make it hard for love to suffice,that is why actions carry the better part of it than words. A person that proves their love for you in actions is better than one that keeps giving empty promises full of words.

This is not to excuse struggle love which is normally taught to women,black women especially. They are taught that the ultimate proof of love is how much one can perservere,tolerate and keep up with when it comes to relationships and friendships.They are indoctrinated to always stay in abusive and unpleasant situations because that is what love’s about.They are always taught to be forgiving because love knows no bounds and don’t hold spaces for hate. Love is normally negotiated with weariness,to accomodate everything that comes with it,but at the end of it all,it fades and it fosters the opposite. Brings in fracas,harbors hate,self esteem issues,for while it was supposed to bring happiness,it actually creates a somberness.

Love therefore should uphold dignity and happiness,not struggle and pain.Love should make people happy but not make them doubt their worth.Love should bring people together out of goodness,but not out of circumstances. Love should come from a ray of positiveness,but not a glare of always being negative.Love should be a beautiful thing that should be upheld without conditions. Love should come natural and not forced. At the end of it all,forceful and struggle love fades and it breeds the opposite of love,hate.

Dimwit

I haven’t been here for a while now, my mental health had taken a toll on me. I was too unhappy to even construct a reply to a text, leave alone creating a whole blog, and since I’m neither a believer, let me thank the heavens for letting down showers of peace finally. I can vent through writing, I can sip through a glass of wine or take some whiskey shots, happily. I’ll leave blunts for happy occasions, as high as you want to hi me for living you all on read in here. I missed you, so ill refresh the event by serving tea. I might not be a good host, but even a glass of water is good for the soul, right?

Wonder what I’ve been up to? My latest escapade is being a husband snatcher, at least that’s too common to be understood by even the most local person. Cheating husbands that can’t keep it to themselves make the other women the villains. Hooray, this is the first time I have been approached woman to woman for a fight. I’m not quite amused because its common for a woman to tell you to leave the husband alone, I’ve been there, admits shamelessly. I approached one asking her why she was so invested in asking my boyfriend to always meet. The unfortunate thing is that both the cheater and cheatee are one team until a third party comes to break their home. Who got the keys to the city if not the people that are in the union? The third-party was not there to recite whatever vows you did to be in a relationship, they don’t owe you accountability either, cheating is gross, but the only person to be held accountable is your partner, they are the ones that vehemently allow other people in the relationship.

I’m here venting because a woman got pursued by a married woman, and the woman had to make a mutual agreement, just like in business, there are terms and conditions, and everything is earned, they say nothing comes easy. The best notes I took from my girl’s club was to normalize asking married men for money because all they do is mess you up, don’t want to be held accountable and they can always go Scott free back to their wives and kids without having anything to lose, but aren’t they the biggest losers, they are always at a high risk of being divorced,left, shamed or worse infecting the whole family with infections they collect from everywhere and transmit it to their darling wives just because they couldn’t maintain it. They neither can practice polyamory because they are too selfish to slightly have the idea of their wives running to other men’s arms while that’s what they do every day.

Getting tangled with a man in a relationship would be the last thing I’d do because it comes with so much baggage, they are always begging for a shoulder to lean on because the wives at home mistreated them, they are always looking for a loophole to be vulnerable, and as kind humans, we just let them in as long as they pay to double the price for the damage they are about to cause. They are quite promising men because they halsen you heaven and earth, the same heaven they cant offer to their wives, but when the days catch up with them, they want to blame it on the devil, the devil as she that seduced them, she caught their attention and they couldn’t stop thinking about.

The only unfortunate thing is the other woman gets attacked, being in the book of homewreckers is not something new to me. That’s why I play my cards right and remain silent even if I’m being attacked as long as you don’t get disrespectful to me. I always keep proof in case it’s direly needed and dirty linen has to be aired. I’ll always have something for back up to show to your wife how you ain’t shit. I now know how it feels when you get accused of something that you’d perform better at. The other person is never the problem, your partner is, because they are the only ones that owe you accountability.

Want to know where I’m going with this? It’s definitely misleading, so if a married man wants to pursue you, let him spoil you with money or goodies, and when he’s caught and wants to drag you down, remind him that you got nothing to lose and you got proof. About his wife, protect her, because if she knew the dimwit she has for a husband ain’t shit, she’d be so heartbroken to even have the strength to go fighting the husband’s battles. Normalize leaving broke cheating husbands because they are a load of shit who will leave you with bile and regrets of why you even chose them. About the wives also, remind them that the proof you have is just a ticking bomb. End of rant. Here’s to finding the groove back and writing stories!

The awakening

One day, I decided I wanted different, and from that day, everything changed. After I gave birth to my daughter, something different took a turn, I call it the awakening, I wanted to change, I wanted to do better, all my baby deserved was an emotionally matured parent whose growth would not be based on physical status nor financial ones. most parents think that having kids is a success measure since its a societal expectation, and most of them think that by a certain age, it should be an onset stage for having kids, what they miss out is; a child born without its consent requires more than a fertile person or adopters they call a parent, they deserve emotionally, financially, mentally, spiritually and physically matured caregivers.

I begun doing an introspection, searching deep within myself to know my toxic traits, my weaknesses, strengths, deep cleaning my thoughts, my spirituality, my beliefs and it dawned on me that I had missed a lot on being myself, I was comfortable with what others say and think of me, I was so naive and young, I was hard on myself and it was selfish for me not being selfish with myself. I knew something had to change, turning the tables, doing an inside out reality check to meet myself. During this whole process, I had to lose some people to find myself, I had to stop hanging out with people whom I didn’t actually like in my space but would let them anyways because I did not have boundaries. Birthing my child required me to birth myself too in extraordinary ways because it meant she’d mirror my actions, my steps, my beliefs, my language, and my steps, I had to be careful with the modeling I’d like her to take from me.b918af385ff74d6cabe66eb711e9d65e

The awakening work is full of difficulties and unpleasing moments, it toggles one off balance. It takes a lot of shedding, unlearning and relearning. You get a new understanding of things, you break off from the norms, you become more conscious of things you allow in your life, you become aware of yourself now even better, and every day is a learning process. Becoming healthy to myself has allowed me to be healthier to others, it has enabled me to form better friendships and healthier interactions. I’m more proud of myself because I believe I have become a healthier parent to my kid, I have grown in emotional intelligence, forming boundaries and the healing process.

Awakening requires one to step out of the comfort zone, layers will be shade. Your illusion self (ego) is being shed so your true self (spirit) can thrive. Embrace the transition. It takes you to a higher self and might experience rage, depression, anxiety, fear, etc, allow these out of your system. A new system of belief is created, a realm that guides your spirit to choose better. It is the best transitioning that can happen to someone. I hope you find your awakening when it’s the perfect time for you, I found mine when I became a mom, it has been bliss parenting a little human alongside parenting myself.

Childhood trauma

I have been procastinating this topic like forever ,anytime i wanted to write about it,everytime i was ready to tackle it i faced a block,ran out of words and ideas. I could have triggers,emotional wounds that take me back to reflect on my childhood. It’s part of the healing process,healing is so complex,it means working on your problrms while still feeling and facing them. One thing for a fact is; how we turn out as adults is majorly impacted by our childhood. The introduction of our day to day life was in childhood that we carry along the same traits even in adulthood,some are healthy and others are not. Drawing the line to what we want to tolerate in our adulthood is what makes us different.

Due to our chaotic childhood filled with trauma abuse and neglect,we missed many developmental milestones hence it is so difficult for us now in adult life to regulate our emotions. We are still kids wrapped  in adult bodies because we refuse to disassociate with the traumas that our childhood brought along. If you struggled with choosing love for yourself and others as a child,you might seek external validation always. The mere reason that you were never taught to appreciate yourself as a child develops into being needy adults. Only solution we can give ourself is to heal from the emotional wounds we had as children so that we can be able to function as healthy adults.

I have struggled with loving myself because i was needy as a child. I was not taught to choose myself and it always resulted into seeking validation from others. Being a people pleaser was deeply rooted in my childhood. Seeking approval from my parents and close relatives and friends was the norm,doing this would make me feel as if ive earned points to peoples lives,but when they didnt choose me,i’d feel bad wondering why they wouldn’t do the same to me. This is an example of childhood trauma that most of us have suffered, and we took into our adulthoood.

Unhealed childhood trauma manifests as;

  • Fixing others. You will find yourself having the need to fix others and wanting to be there for them through their chaos. Wanting to fix others is a sign of wanting to be fixed yourself,struggling with your neglected parts while needing approval from others weaknesses,you assume that you can help people from their own problems. The thing is,”even a healer does not heal you. A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer,so that yo may heal yourself”. You can not fix others,thats not your job.
  • People pleasing. You are always working so hard to be seen by others,you want to please them beyond the extent of pleasing yourself. For example,a child will work tooth and nail to please their parents so that they can earn their approval.
  • Fear of abandonment. You have attachment issues because you are so afraid of being left by peple. You struggle with loving people who don’t choose you and you don’t want to let go when things don’t finally work.
  • Difficulty setting boundaries. Forming boundaries was never taught to you as a child,you could not say no because that woud be labeled direspective. Therefore,you are okay being boundaryless and will let anything in,even when it doesn’t make you happy.
  • De-prioritises own needs. You might have your own needs,but you think they are less important and other peoples needs come before you.
  • Co-dependency. You become mutually dependant on others even when it’s unhealthy,you dont have a problem with it because it was rooted in you as a norm when you were a child.
  • Mother/Father wound. You felt constantly ignored by your parents when you wanted your emotions to be felt and heard but none of that happened.
  • Need to prove themselves. You are always struggling to put on a show for others. You work so hard to prove a point to others even when it’s not necessary.
  • Tolerate abusive behaviors. You have no problem with however people treat you because you were not taught it’s bad ,you constantly find yourself in vicious cycles of abusive behaviors.
  • Attract narcissistic partners. The fact that you had narcissistic parents is proof enough that you will have narcisstic partners. Partners that only think about themselves at the extent of your own in the relationship.
  • External validation. You might always want validation from others before you do anything . You have constantly seeked others approval and this messed with your esteem.

Many people will not understand healing because they dont know what’s even there to heal from. Others are in denial because they are comfortable in these spaces,while others believe its okay to have life that way because it is too familiar to them. You can not help people with their healing process, only them can heal themselves.882aee786eddc4ca66fa8083aec8dd6c

Healing is so attractive

You have no ammunition on me love. I’ve been healing.
If you think you’ll manipulate me for my old self, I’m sorry for the way you have been missing a lot on my new self.

The other day, i was telling someone how healing is so sexy. I started the conversation because I’ve been having a hard time discussing things with unconscious people. I begun the conversation by asking what they really understood by the term healing and they explained the normal healing. Healing means ;to make better, to reconcile, to become better or healthy again. There’s therapeutic healing which is associated with emotions. This is the one that majority people miss out on. I’ve been having trouble discussing issues with people anymore because they are quick to put labels like ;you don’t know what you are talking about, things can’t change, you don’t listen to me anymore. It’s like an all over sudden regime change. You don’t view things from the old programming, instead you question the way things are and you choose to do better.

Healing happens when you accept that you deserve better and are ready to take action, to put in effort to create healthier realities, lifestyle and relationshipsn. We had a long discussion and it was hard to convince someone what healing means or feels like. He went ahead and said, what I’m doing is not healing, instead i should call it defense mechanism. Hahaha, the irony in his statement. I guess this is when it’s said taking your advice or sipping your own medicine. Defense mechanism is a strategy unconsciously used by people to cope with harmful or stressful situations and that’s definitely not healing.c73645f9913be4c1aa869040cafe84e3

Healing is accepting the damage is there already, working through it, putting yourself together that certain things no longer have a score in your life.
Healing can feel like ;
~Acknowledging your insecurities and working on them.
~Accepting that you have been hurt before by certain things and people, giving yourself time to grieve them and work on them such that they will no longer trigger you.
~Taking different channels to questioning why things are this way and not the other way.
~Feeling sorry for yourself for undermining your worth.

Healing brings an equilibrium. Healing means repairing what we don’t want to repeat, because the cycle becomes vicious and people who haven’t healed like to savagely solve their problems according to their past experiences. Healing no longer makes you triggered by certain things, healing makes you hold people and self accountable. Healing does not allow you to run away from your problems but face them head on.
The only way to be healthy and to allow better people into your life is through healing.

Never settle,never compromise!

Interesting what settling does; it brings familiarity around everything. Settling is as good as being comfortable with the surroundings,a comfort zone that makes it hard to break the cycle,especially if you are content with it.

With settling, comes compromising. I’ve seen it in my past relationships. Like i was so okay with however people treated me becauses it sounded familiar. It became too nostalgic because i believed that is how it should be,but once i realized my worth,settling was not among my to do list,i wanted to try better,be better,be treated better without questioning my worth. Sometimes it makes me homesick,like how can i not relate with familiar places and territories anymore? How can i just wake up and choose different from the norm? The answer is simple,never settling!

Nostalgia does a good job to mask bad habits and cover up unacceptable behavior,but nostalgia always loses it’s thickness when you finally decide that you deserve better. When you realize that old memories block the possibility of better ones. When you finally choose you∼ billy chapata.

You become what you settle for.When you allow people to treat you however they want,you are giving them a discount of how it should actually be. You settle when; you downgrade your dreams,see yourself through other people’s judgements,believe what they say about you,when you allow them to tell you how exactly to be you. It’s so unfair especially in relationships because we let the idea of being in love cloud our thinking to lower our expectations because we should accomodate the other person. There’s an egregious belief that people in relationships should lower their standards to compensate for their partners,and my thinking is;if they really mattered and cared for you ,then lowering your standards to leave a low life budget should not be in the equation.They don’t deserve you. I’ve seen people accomodate bad sex,bad lifestyle,bad communication skills,unhealthy patterns and they compromise for everything because the familiarity has clouded them to believing tha’ts all they should settle for.

However familiar settling sounds,it only takes one as an individual to break down the chain. To realize your worth,because the moment you do,you won’t settle for half baked love,job,sex,relationships and all round mediocrity that makes you question your worth. You shall no longer compensate your worth or feel like you are asking for too much. You can’t get what you want if you keep settling for what you don’t. There will always be something out there that will set your soul on fire. There will always be people outside there that won’t make you feel like you are asking for extra. There are jobs out there that will make you always look forward to working because they excite you. The funny thing about not wanting to settle is,the world will adjust according to your needs,it will always  agree to give you what you ask for when and if you really need it. It’s instinctive that you don’t want to settle for less,remember it’s always an eye opener wherever your soul wants more than enough,more than it’s already there.What you want exists,don’t settle until you get it.

You don’t have to tolerate,you don’t have to compromise.You are not dust either,don’t settle!

Broken pieces

These are the broken pieces that turned into art. Something so beautiful,something admirable. Everyday felt a little queer,it felt like loathing in self doubt,it felt like being unseen. Everyday was clear that i was not being naive about my broken heart,on mondays,saturdays i was taken a little back ;and pause! I had to look into things and see a better and clear picture;

Monday;

I’ve seen how you look into my eyes wherever  i tell you everything around me has changed. I tell you i now see things clearly,that i was too brainwashed with the old programming,that i want to see better to be better. I see how you look at me and practice empathy like you agree to meet my higher new self but it’s a sign that you are not so happy with me being elevated. You like my old self too much because she was too nice even when she knew she was not supposed to.

Tuesday;

I’ve seen how you guilt trip me into my choices. I see how you call them self sabotaging because i’m creating a defense mechanism  that won’t go well because being the old self is too good to know changes. I’m guilt ridden because i’m left wondering why i need changes anyways.

Wednesday;

I’ve seen how you tend to act happy because i’m changing but you call it too fast,too soon.I see how you cannot adapt to abrupt changes since i’m reshuffling your ego, It’s too solid to allow anything new .It’s too focused on being right over being wrong at times because you were taught how perfectionism should look like. You only bait the rat with one method;let’s assume poisoning it because it’s the fastest and surest method.You don’t take time to practise other ways that perhaps would be smarter.

Thursday;

I’ve seen how you are emotionally unavailable. You ask me how i am but when i’m about to explain in depth my itty bitty details of how i’m feeling you snap out on me. I see how you are selfish with your time because you don’t want it wasted by someone who talks the same thing always. You don’t want someone who vents or tells you what makes them unhappy but you want complete attention when your time comes.

Friday;

I’ve seen how you want me to compromise for everything in the relationship. I see how ferocious you become when i burst your little bubble by telling you no more compromising . I see how angry you become and call me selfish for putting myself first which irks your soul. You always want it to be about you and you being put first.

Saturday;

I’ve seen how you break the ice and want things back to normal. You are tired of someone you call complicated,you are tired of someone who decided to go the good change way. I see how you make love to me and whisper how you love me but i’m in doubt because if you loved me,you would love me for who i am,who i’m becoming and not someone you used to know or trying to fixate me into a model you want me to be.You hate that i’m blooming which will become a trigger to you to handle a more better version of me.

Sunday;

I’ve seen how unhappy you are with me finally being happy because you can no longer control me . I see how you call me difficult because i won’t let you disrspect me anymore. I see how it’s hard for you to swallow your pride and admit you are wrong because you are too full of machismo and patriachy that invades your masculinity and lies to you that you’ll be a lesser man if you won’t believe in what was instilled in you.

You are too inconsistent,you are hot and cold. You don’t want to liaise with cognitive since you always want to play mind games.You are too self-absorbed because you want everything to be centered around you. You call others hard because you are wired to view at things the same way even when the things have changed. You get so pissed when you won’t use someone as a doormat anymore. If this ain’t narcissistic,i don,t know what it is then.5aab5581821650353a24668950c42619

A broken heart.

Being a stay at home mom

After i had my baby; the only plan i had in mind was to take care of her fully. Like all the time throughout because i had no plans holding me back, not school,not a job and i was not looking into any of them since i wanted to be fully present and active in parenting.

Having to stay at home everyday with someone new has been exciting,devastating ,mind blowing and sometimes excruciating extra. It means being extra at everything. I thought staying at home would be easy because i would be there for my child,through the milestones,growth spurts,little cheers and squeaks from an excited baby,the fuss and hold me tight when i cry because this is what i had figured motherhood to be. It has been an all round occassion,cheering every new growth from a toothless gum to a half filled mouth with adorable little teeth and crying alongside the baby after jabs,when they fall,when they are emotional and when they want you all to themselves unapologetically.

It has been more of a career,it means;knowing why your child is acting up,having to figure why they are having a bad day amidst taking care of house chores and managing everything to be in perfect shape and place. It feels good and make you appear strong when you handle your all round chores like a strong woman but it is so draining at the end of the day for it feels like you have achieved so much for others and too little for yourself. They say Stay at home moms don’t work but they are wrong,we are full time;maids,chefs,nurses,secretaries,babysitters,monster chasers and all round providers with no pay or day offs.

I have had depressing moments for struggling with mom guilt,wanting to be left alone for a minute,needing a break from my kid and burn outs,wanting to leave the house ,feeling lonely and separated from the world while everything is a mess. My entire life has been revolving around other people. Sometimes i just want to call someone and have an adult conversation with them because my days are filled with baby talk and screams and a language only i can understand. I want to take a vacation and be childless for a day. I don’t want to cry in a room wondering why i’m so overwhelmed with everything.

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Motherhood means understanding why mama bear’s porridge or coffee went cold. It means you don’t have a 9 to 5 job ,you have a job from the moment you open your eyes to finally when you will close them again without actually having a decent full sleep. SAHM means being in pajamas all the time and feels like a special occassion when you get to wear jeans. It means being depressed most of the times because there’s too much doubting and too much pressure if you are actually doing it right.This year however ,i dedicated it for me to be a better mom for a better baby and environ only if i would take care of myself,recharge,meditate,be happy and cheer at all the amazing job i’ve accomplished as a stay at home mom. My positive affirmations include;

  • It’s okay to ask for help. I’ve struggled with this alot because i felt like being vulnerable is a weakness,or sometimes i just want everything to be done my way.
  • I will do what i can when i can. I don’t have to kill myself getting all the work done because i want perception. Realistically,no one expects perfection.
  • My job at home is worth millions. If i was to be paid for everything i do,i would be a lucky millionare.
  • I am more than just a mom. I’m a bestfriend,i’m a protector to my child.
  • I will take care of myself. I will be selfish with my time even if it means an hour or two so that i can take care of myself. I can go to the gym or spa to refresh.
  • This too will pass. I might be a mom forever,but not a stay at home mom. My child will grow big and forget that i ever sacrificed my time to stay home and take care of her.
  • I might not see it now but the time i’m investing in my kid does matter.
  • My child will not remember a pristine house,a sparkless house or a tidy one but she will remember the time i spent with her.
  • I will laugh with my children today,and any other day.
  • My home is a safe place. The only safe haven i will create for me,my child and my loved ones.
  • When there is chaos around me,i am calm. Who doesn’t want their kids to feel safe around them.f746989a3bda0bc9e6f241779bf2d5f5

 

To the SAHM out there,you are amazing,you matter and you are appreciated.

A broken child

Today  ,i’ve come across interesting threads about toxic parents,strained parent-child relationships,kids from dysfunctional homes ,hurting adults whose childhood was a mess and my opinion is; YES! This is surreal and i’ll give a little disclaimer before i begin with my piece; I f you are not a victim of a narcissistic parent,stop giving unsolicited advice to people who have suffered,the shoe only hurts when you fit. Just so you know.

I’m a victim! Don’t say blood is thicker than water,or honor your father and mother no matter what…The imprint left on us is harder than being told;your parents were well-intentioned . I hate narrating my experience every time because it  takes a part of me that is yet to heal,but the good part is;healing is not an overnight process ,it takes time,it brings pain with it,but the more you heal the better you become as an individual. As my mantra for this year has been,don’t bleed on people who didn’t cut you. Despite the changes,as long as you are working on healing,it happens sooner than you realize.  I was sharing my experience with a friend the other day and i realized that the hurt i used to feel is not as heavy as it is now and that is what i call healing.

“Back in 2017,i was going through a rough patch . it was a concoction of all the bad things i’d wish even on my worst enemies and it kept piling until i fell into depression. This is not to ask you to sympathize with me,but as the legendary saying goes ;we overcome. I had gotten myself a job which  i had hopes for because i knew it would work for me,i was determined because i had clear goals for myself and my future because that is where i wanted myself to be. As i was still on it,i was happy because i would take a break from a toxic environment and be happy as i was chasing my dream. Things clearly did not work out for the best and before i knew ,i was losing a job i wanted badly because i was not getting paid hence i could not accommodate my needs which forced me to go back home to the same toxic environment that i was running away from. I was back home,the place where i could not have a say,the place where i would strictly abide by the rules,the place that felt like a cave,the place that made me so unhappy,undeserving and always made me wonder if i was deserving of love and life in the first place .Suicidal thoughts could chase my clout,i was unhappy. The worst happened when my father wanted me to go seek outside country jobs prior to my wish,again it was a must because his say was the last and only say ,being brought up in such a setting is traumatizing because you cant do anything about it. Now our relationship was ruined to the core ,he would give me silent treatments and punish me for the same things he wanted me to do prior to my wish . I had had enough ,i wanted to be listened to,i wanted to be seen and treated with respect for once .So on this fateful day,i wrote a lengthy message explaining why i was not happy about him forcing decisions on me and hell broke loose. He forwarded the message to some of his friends making me look like the bad person and how disrespectful i was for not even obeying him. You can imagine the shame of having to be downplayed ,to be embarassed and shamed by someone you trusted,by having your words echoed by everyone in the neighborhood just because you did not want to do something that you did not want to.”

That was just a brief example of my escapade experience with my parents . I’ve not even mentioned about the emotional and physical abuse but one thing i know for sure is,this was a narcissistic behavior. Growing up,this has impacted a lot of weight and pain because sharing it with someone is already wrong because they believe that a parents role in the life of a child is to take control of them and believing that parents are always right.This was part of my betrayal trauma because i believed that people who were supposed to take care of me didn’t but instead hurt me. Lets get it clear that kids become adults;teaching kids not to feel creates adults who don,t feel,dismissing kids boundaries or not showing them boundaries creates boundary less adults,ignoring kids when they are upset creates adults who don’t know how to express their anger.

As a parent now,i’m re-parenting both my inner child and parenting my child,i wouldn’t let her have to heal from trauma like i am doing now and here are some of the wise guides i’m following as stated by a therapist~Nedratawwab;

  • Teach them how to set boundaries and how to articulate boundaries to others.
  • Show them how to talk about their feelings 
  • Acknowledge their feelings and talk about healthy ways to respond to feelings
  • Teach kids to listen to adults who have their best interest in mind,not all adults.
  • Teach them to be aware of their body and to accept their body.
  • Allow them to have personal space.
  • Guide them on how to ask questions appropriately.

To those who don’t have a family crisis experience,stop being insensitive enough to share advice of things you haven’t experienced. Stop assuming that everyone has been treated well by family and cut them some slack by not telling them family should be respected. Its a line used to gaslight the victim and manipulate them into accepting that they deserved what was done to them. You can heal from complex trauma and love your parents from a distance,you can grieve toxic abusive parents ,you can grieve the love you didn’t receive.

BOUNDARIES

If you had told me about boundaries in the past, i would look at you and shrug you off as if you did not know what you were talking about. Knowing and forming healthy boundaries has been a win for me ever since i knew and practiced them. At the beginning of the year ,my only target was an all round growth that would lead me to the individual i aspire to be. Forming boundaries has been my biggest win,this is because i was not taught about boundaries as a child and i’ve been re-parenting my inner child. makes me proud.

i did a self evaluation of how life used to be before boundaries and the transformation ever since i stuck to them. These are just a few examples;

  • I said YES even when i knew i wanted to say NO.
  • I was a to go to person to people who wouldn’t even care for me in return.
  • I let my empathy out so much to people that it was labeled as my weakness.
  • I would be guilt tripped  at the end of the day because i knew i was being disrespectful to myself.
  • I would set myself on fire to keep other people warm.

This was a vicious trait because it never seemed to end . I knew it was my responsibility to put an end to it,and you know the thing about boundary settings is;you need to preserve a healthy relationship with yourself that may risk your relationship with others. However forming boundaries has felt like;

  • It’s okay to say no. You don’t have to give people a satisfaction of saying yes just to please them. Quit the people pleasing aspect like yesterday.
  • Know your limits. Only you can allow what you want in your life.
  • You do not have to anticipate other people’s needs. You can only help them,don’t kill yourself trying to save them.
  • Nobody has to agree with your feelings. Only you know the intensity and depth of your own feelings.
  • Some people will be mad at you. This is enough sign that they did not even respect you.
  • It is not your job to take responsibility of others. Manipulators and narcissists will be mad at you because you will have broken few of their bones,they can’t control you anymore and that’s definitely a win for you.
  • I am enough. I affirm to this daily.
  • It’s your responsibility to make you happy. No one else will make you happy if you can’t make it yourself.

Forming boundaries has been an important scale in my growth thus far. It has been hard to do at times because people will still try to push you to the limits but knowing your standards will measure how good boundaries will be a life saving experience to you and even others. I hope you stick to your boundaries ,form them and practice them.