I have been procastinating this topic like forever ,anytime i wanted to write about it,everytime i was ready to tackle it i faced a block,ran out of words and ideas. I could have triggers,emotional wounds that take me back to reflect on my childhood. It’s part of the healing process,healing is so complex,it means working on your problrms while still feeling and facing them. One thing for a fact is; how we turn out as adults is majorly impacted by our childhood. The introduction of our day to day life was in childhood that we carry along the same traits even in adulthood,some are healthy and others are not. Drawing the line to what we want to tolerate in our adulthood is what makes us different.
Due to our chaotic childhood filled with trauma abuse and neglect,we missed many developmental milestones hence it is so difficult for us now in adult life to regulate our emotions. We are still kids wrapped in adult bodies because we refuse to disassociate with the traumas that our childhood brought along. If you struggled with choosing love for yourself and others as a child,you might seek external validation always. The mere reason that you were never taught to appreciate yourself as a child develops into being needy adults. Only solution we can give ourself is to heal from the emotional wounds we had as children so that we can be able to function as healthy adults.
I have struggled with loving myself because i was needy as a child. I was not taught to choose myself and it always resulted into seeking validation from others. Being a people pleaser was deeply rooted in my childhood. Seeking approval from my parents and close relatives and friends was the norm,doing this would make me feel as if ive earned points to peoples lives,but when they didnt choose me,i’d feel bad wondering why they wouldn’t do the same to me. This is an example of childhood trauma that most of us have suffered, and we took into our adulthoood.
Unhealed childhood trauma manifests as;
- Fixing others. You will find yourself having the need to fix others and wanting to be there for them through their chaos. Wanting to fix others is a sign of wanting to be fixed yourself,struggling with your neglected parts while needing approval from others weaknesses,you assume that you can help people from their own problems. The thing is,”even a healer does not heal you. A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer,so that yo may heal yourself”. You can not fix others,thats not your job.
- People pleasing. You are always working so hard to be seen by others,you want to please them beyond the extent of pleasing yourself. For example,a child will work tooth and nail to please their parents so that they can earn their approval.
- Fear of abandonment. You have attachment issues because you are so afraid of being left by peple. You struggle with loving people who don’t choose you and you don’t want to let go when things don’t finally work.
- Difficulty setting boundaries. Forming boundaries was never taught to you as a child,you could not say no because that woud be labeled direspective. Therefore,you are okay being boundaryless and will let anything in,even when it doesn’t make you happy.
- De-prioritises own needs. You might have your own needs,but you think they are less important and other peoples needs come before you.
- Co-dependency. You become mutually dependant on others even when it’s unhealthy,you dont have a problem with it because it was rooted in you as a norm when you were a child.
- Mother/Father wound. You felt constantly ignored by your parents when you wanted your emotions to be felt and heard but none of that happened.
- Need to prove themselves. You are always struggling to put on a show for others. You work so hard to prove a point to others even when it’s not necessary.
- Tolerate abusive behaviors. You have no problem with however people treat you because you were not taught it’s bad ,you constantly find yourself in vicious cycles of abusive behaviors.
- Attract narcissistic partners. The fact that you had narcissistic parents is proof enough that you will have narcisstic partners. Partners that only think about themselves at the extent of your own in the relationship.
- External validation. You might always want validation from others before you do anything . You have constantly seeked others approval and this messed with your esteem.
Many people will not understand healing because they dont know what’s even there to heal from. Others are in denial because they are comfortable in these spaces,while others believe its okay to have life that way because it is too familiar to them. You can not help people with their healing process, only them can heal themselves.
purenicenes 